I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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