Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
