Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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