Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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