so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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