Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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