2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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