just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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