note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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