bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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