You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
