So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
