My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
