Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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