even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
