sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Barsexuality is the new black.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My bed smells like the plague
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
