Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
