we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
