Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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