i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
