Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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