My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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