a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
