You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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