I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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