Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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