There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
