she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
