I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
