It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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