we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
