It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
