i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
