when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
NoShamevember. You game?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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