that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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