I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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