oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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