upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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