If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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