I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
