Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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