perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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