I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
