I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
