I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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