I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You are the jesus of drinking
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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