It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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