What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
