She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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