tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
