Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Are my feet made of real feet?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
