does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
