Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
