i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
