Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just invented taco cereal.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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