I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
