I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
