hotel room ftw
need another drink. this is the easiest way
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
