I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
